


Semantics

by supergeekytoon



Series: In Our Bedroom, After the War [2]
Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Reflections of being in love, Soft Angst™, a bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 20:05:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19280212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supergeekytoon/pseuds/supergeekytoon
Summary: There was a first time Benji had wanted to say those three words, then there was the time he actually did.





	Semantics

**Author's Note:**

> A little piece I did as a warm-up exercise but I got attached to it.  
> Takes place after Rogue Nation, But before Fallout.  
> It's a more of a prequel piece to this Retirement AU.

The first time Benji wanted to say those three words was after Ethan saved his life in London. That cold evening filled with fear and dread only helped by Ethan’s presence. In truth, if you were to ask Benji what he thought about that night, he’d admit he fell in love with Ethan.

True actual love, and not just a silly little crush that was hidden away in the deepest recesses of his mind.

 

He never expected Ethan to come and save him, after all, their conversation in the matter had made their arrangement rather clear. Benji knew the risks and he accepted the consequences of his work.

“I can’t protect you. That’s why I need you to leave.”

 

Those words seemed to ring in his head throughout the night. Ethan had already lost so many people close to him. And now it was Benji’s turn. But There Ethan was, ready to raise a little hell and bluff his way out like any good gambler knows how to do. Benji remembered the way Ethan’s eyes locked onto his as if he were the center of the world. Ethan was sending him away again, Ethan’s eyes pleading with his own.

“Brandt and Luther are waiting. Go.”

 

After all that, after all the trouble he caused by being captured, Ethan still wanted his help. No, he needed his help. They captured Lane that night, and with that Ethan was able to come home. He wanted to ask how much of that plan was a bluff, but he didn’t really want to know the answer. So, he never asked.

 

But through various reports and classified documents, he heard that the Syndicate had a resurgence. They had come into a vast sum of money.

 

And Benji realized, that money was real.

Ethan deliberately failed the mission, to save him. The Syndicate took priority, and Ethan saved his life, potentially bringing more danger into the world.

 

He wasn’t worth the trouble. But it was nice that Ethan thought so.

 

Ethan had to protect everything he cared about; it was somehow encoded into his DNA. Benji admired that about him, but it didn’t alleviate the guilt of allowing himself to be captured.

 

He was a field agent, and he knew the risks. He’s managed to jeopardize the safety of the world because Ethan never knew where to stop. Maybe it was a hero complex? Maybe Ethan felt guilty. Whatever it was that had prompted Ethan to save his life, it wasn’t a decision made with his head. Or maybe it was, and Benji was missing something.

 

 

They stopped being friends, however. There was something more intangible and intense going on between them. Unspoken words of affection dripping between the lines of every conversation. Something had changed between them for sure. In the aftermath of it all, they began to find comfort in each other. Not in a “physical” way. They weren’t sleeping together

and there was no change in the status of their relationship.

 

But he’d be a fool to claim that sex is the only form of intimacy that mattered.

 

There were more hugs, touching that lingered for a few seconds too long. Benji took to reminding Ethan to sleep and eat, especially when they were out in the field. They spoke to each other with words of support and encouragement. They joked aloud about nonsense, spoke of a future where they would be happy and free.

 

They had forged a bond through fire.

 

 

Peeling back the layers of Ethan’s mind, he noticed the small things he did. The way his thumbs twiddled when he was thinking, moving as though they were independent of his body. He noticed the tiredness in the man’s eyes; weary of the world and the weight he’s been carrying.

 

How long has he been forced to feel unloved?

 

Too long, in Benji’s mind.

 

 

“that’s why I need you to leave.”

 

It seemed redundant to be caught up in the semantics. After all, he couldn’t dare ask the man what he meant by that and it seemed fairly obvious.

He wanted Benji to return home.

Then the circles Benji’s been making in his brain sink into an argument of linguistics, want vs. need.

 

What does it mean to want? And What does it mean to need?

 

If he were to purely base his definition through semantics then want is a strong desire for, but not a necessity. Whereas a need is something essential to existing. 

But if he were to look at it purely through the lens of sociolinguistics, then they become interchangeable.

 

Word choice carries meaning, but perhaps looking at it the eyes of an academic would not be constructive. He needed to look with his own natural perspective of the world. But that perspective was biased. He loved Ethan and he searched desperately for any sign that that feeling was mutual.

 

He couldn’t tell if it was.

 

-

 

They had kissed under the stars, behind the van, after another rough mission a few months later.

 

Ethan ran out of the warehouse and gripped Benji’s shoulders. Anchoring his weight on the other man. Their eyes lingered for a moment before Benji leaned in giving him a chaste kiss. It was meant to be gentle, but quickly the moment got quite heated and Benji no longer worried if those feels were mutual.

 

Quickly after there was a first date, then a third. Then there was that night at Benji’s apartment. The walls were thin and, well that was for him, Ethan, and potentially his next-door neighbors to know about.

 

But even throughout all of that, they never had said those words to each other. They didn’t really need to. They knew. Even when they weren’t a couple, they knew they loved each other in some form.

 

But Benji would work up the courage to say it eventually.

 

-

One night they stayed up, at Ethan’s place. They had dinner and talked about nonsense, and the future and the past. It was a conversation that both meant nothing and everything. Benji hung on to every word as though Ethan were a famous author reading the story of his life. His eyes were still those same tired weary eyes, but they seemed happier.

 

The wrinkles and cuts on his hands revealed that despite his skill, he wasn’t immortal. How long had he been wanting a life in which every night could be like this? No worry about living to see the next day. Just home, together, happy and free.

 

Ethan was still talking about traffic patterns, he loved talking about that. He loved Ethan and everything about him. His manner of speaking, his kind nature, his intelligence. Everything.

 

“I love you, Ethan.”

 

Ethan stopped speaking at those words, and he smiled.

 

“I love you too, Benji.”

 

That was the night he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Ethan Hunt.


End file.
